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It was sadder then I thought leaving the house. It was the home we shared after getting married. Corey worked so hard making improvements. He built a fence in the back yard, built a bigger closet for me, we did landscaping (hand picking each rock), he laid a new floor upstairs and insulated and finished the garage.
We started our family there. It is the house that held so many dreams for our daughter, Harper. I almost feel like I am leaving part of her behind. I carried her ashes on my lap to the new house. The Zimmerman house holds all the memories I have of her. I felt her presence there, so far I don't feel it here. I know she will always be with me, but I don't have her bedroom to sit in when I feel like I need a good cry. But I think that is a good thing, because I felt like I was betraying her by using her room for the new baby. I don't want her, or me really, to feel like this baby is a replacement.
So we have a new nursery in this house. My mother was kind enough to paint it for us before they moved. I choose a dark teal color, there is white wainscoting on the bottom.
The rest of the house still needs to be painted or updated to our tastes but we are taking it project by project. The first thing we did (or should I say Corey did) is put up a chain-link fence in the back yard for our dogs. And that is probably as far as we will get for now. We've got a baby coming in 10 days so our time is going to be spent elsewhere.
They have scheduled me for induction on June 14th. Today is the 4th so it is coming fast! Faster then I thought. It still feels like yesterday I found out I was pregnant again, 3 months after Harper's death. I have one more doctors appointment scheduled this Friday for the weekly biophysical profile & non-stress test, they will also do a growth scan this time. I'm not sure if that is a good thing or not... if she measures big it might scare me even more for the delivery. Harper was only 6lbs 13oz and that was painful enough, even with an epidural. But I have 10 days to prepare myself physically and mentally to bring this baby into the world. (As I write that I feel like I should say "hopefully alive", I still have fear that we will lose this baby, I don't want to be too optimistic and then be blindsided by what can happen.)
So much to do, so little time. And I've had lots of offers for help but most of it is things I need to do myself. Like unpacking. I need to do most of that with Corey's help so that I can find where things are. The first night here, we couldn't find towels to take a shower or cell phone chargers. (Thanks for letting me know where the chargers were Goodin!) So, I'm mostly just complaining for the sake of complaining. ha!
The last thing I want to touch base on with this blog is a movie.
Still birth and infant loss is such a taboo subject, most people don't talk about it until it happens to them or someone they know. There is a movie being made called "Return To Zero" that is based on the true story of a couple just weeks away from the arrival of their first child when they are devastated with the news that their baby has died. The movie is designed to break the silence that surrounds stillbirth and bring it to main stream media. The makers of this film are trying to get as many people as they can to sign this pledge to see the movie opening weekend. There is no obligation and no cost, if you change your mind after signing, that's ok. By pledging you are helping prove to Hollywood that there is interest in this film by a large audience. This film will not be shown in theaters unless we can prove there is a demand for it. So please take a minute to sign this pledge. For "your local leader", put my name. Help us break the silence.
-Sara
