My Homemade Baby Food Adventure

Thanks to my husband and also to our decision to move closer to his job I have been fortune enough to be able to stay home with our daughter. 

It has not been easy, both emotionally and financially.

Emotionally, it is lonely. In Elk River, I had a support system. I had friends and family close by. In Hastings, I have no one. I have been attending classes for Stella through ECFE and the library, to socialize Stella and also myself. So far, I've gotten one mom's phone number and became Facebook friends with another. I'm pretty proud of myself. When I got the phone number it was like getting a crushes number, "when should I call?", "should I ask them to hang out?", "do we bring the babies?". (ha!) It's hard to make friends as an adult and I think of myself as "socially awkward". I struggle to make conversation with people I barely know, but I'm trying. Having babies helps, if I'm looking for something to talk about we can always talk baby.

Financially, we have always had two decent incomes. We lived comfortably. If we wanted something, we bought it. If we wanted to go out to eat, we did. Now we are just one income so we've had to make some sacrifices. We limit what we buy and when we go out to eat. I've also had to cut back and look for cheaper ways to do things. A couple of the things I've done to save money is to use cloth diapers and to make my own baby food. 

Cloth diapering is great! It's become an obsession. It can be a pretty significant investment upfront, but in the long run it can save you thousands. According to realdiaperassociation.org it can cost $1,600 to diaper a baby in disposable for two years. I have spent approx. $500 on cloth diapers and will be able to use the diapers for all of our kids. The only cost not included is the added laundry, but I wash diapers every three days and try to hang dry when I can so there really isn't that much of a laundry expense. Eventually I will write a post on my cloth diapering system but I need to take pictures and my itty bitty is napping so I don't want to bother her by being in her room. (Read about my cloth diapering experience here.) I also need to give a shout out to my friend Melissa at Just Me and the Boys for helping me get started in my cloth diapering adventure. I wouldn't have started if it weren't for her. 

My newest money saving adventure is making my own baby food. I started Stella on solid foods just shy of 5 months.* We started with cereal, but I really felt like cereal was just sort of a filler and I really want her to breastfeed for the majority of her food and when she does eat solids I want them to be nutritionally beneficial. So we did cereal twice and then I moved onto bananas. I just mushed up part of a banana that I was going to eat and mixed in some breastmilk and gave it a try. She wasn't too excited about it. It sort of went in her mouth, came right back out and she made some funny faces in the process. I think the banana was too ripe. So, after four days we moved to avocado. She loved it! After avocado we did sweet potato and again she loved it. Again, I really want her to be breastfeed the majority of the time for now so we only have solids once a day or every other day.  

Tonight we are going to try green beans. I try to use fresh, organic fruit and veggies when I can but with green beans I used frozen. Frozen green beans seem easier to get a smoother consistency when pureeing.

Here's what I did. I cooked the green beans according to the instructions on the bag. Then transferred the beans to my food processor/blender thing with a small amount of cooking liquid (approx. 1 tbsp). 

Then puree. A LOT. Green beans don't ever really get a really smooth consistency but you want it as smooth as you can get it. 

I'm not too worried about how thick or thin it is because I'm going to freeze it and I can thicken it with cereal or thin it with breastmilk at feeding time if needed. 

Then I spooned it into ice cube trays. Ice cube trays work well because it makes approx. 1 ounce servings. (I've also used a cookie scoop for thicker purees like sweet potatoes and froze it on a parchment paper lined baking sheet.)

Cover with plastic wrap and refrigerate for a couple hours, then freeze. Once frozen you can pop the cubes out and transfer to a freezer bag. When your ready to use just take out what you need. Baby food can be kept for 48 hours in the refrigerator or 3 - 6 months in the freezer.  

Easy peasy! And cost effective. I can't remember how much the green beans I bought cost but it was probably about $2 for a 1 lb bag. I got 32 cubes from the bag, that's about 6cts an ounce. For Gerber 1st Foods you are looking at about 25cts an ounce. So I'm saving 19cts an ounce, over time that adds up.

I'll try to post other ways I'm cutting back and saving money. If you have ways you save money or ways to live a healthier life I'd love to hear them!



* The American Academy of Pediatrics (AAP) and World Health Organization (WHO) both recommend exclusive breastfeeding for the first 6 months of a babies life. Remember, always consult with your pediatrician before introducing solid foods to your baby.     

Unexpected Grief

When I gave birth to Stella I imagined that I'd be crying with joy and relief that she was finally here. And I was happy, over the moon happy, but I didn't cry. I was more in shock, I think, that I had actually done it. I had carried a baby for 37 weeks in my womb and successfully delivered her alive.

Love was instant. She is the love of my life. Any mother will tell you that the love you feel for your child is indescribable, words cannot express it fully.

I expected the love. What I did not expect was the grief. I did not expect the sadness.

And I'm not talking about baby blues. Fortunately, I do not think that I have been effected by the baby blues. What has happened is my grief for losing Harper has returned. And it has worsened.

At night while I am nursing Stella in her dark room I think about Harper. I get saddened watching my little love so contently at my breast. My heart is filled with love and also grief. I find myself crying, intensely, when I think about the things I do with Stella that I never got to do with Harper.  It is a strange thing to feel so much happiness and sadness at the same time. The more love I feel for Stella, the more sadness I feel for Harper.

And I feel guilty.

Guilty for being so happy. It's not fair to Harper. It's not fair Harper never had a chance to have daddy read her stories at bedtime. It's not fair she didn't get to cuddle in bed with mommy after daddy had gone to work. She didn't even get a chance to meet us outside of my womb.

But it's not fair to Stella either. It's not fair to her that the joy she brings me also makes me sad. It's not fair to her that I long to hold her sister in my arms...

My Dear Sweet Harper

theseashoreofremembrance.blogspot.com.au/

August 28^th, 2012

My Dear Sweet Harper,

I remember the day I found out that I was pregnant… I had barely convinced your father that we should start trying for a baby. He was hesitant but decided that it was okay. I had told him that it might take a long time for us to conceive, turns out it only took us two months for you to come into our lives.

When I took the test and saw two blue lines I was happy but scared. An overwhelm of emotions came through me. I told your father and we began planning for your future.

The 38 weeks that I had with you were wonderful. To be honest being pregnant was not my favorite thing, I was very uncomfortable but happy to be growing you in my belly. We could not wait to meet you.

Unfortunately, God decided that He wanted you in heaven more then He needed you on earth. Why He made that decision I will never know or understand but I trust that whatever decision He makes is the right one.

I will cherish every kick I felt from you.

I hope you knew how much your mommy and daddy loved you. We still love you. We think about you everyday. You will always be our little girl. I know that you are watching us from heaven and that someday we will join you. But I miss you so much.

I wish I could have rocked you to sleep and sang you lullabies. I wish I could have calmed your cry and seen you smile. There were so many dreams I had for your future with us. We wanted you so badly. You are so loved.

Please help to give mommy the strength to survive. My heart is broken for you. You were taken too soon from my life. I know that God has a plan for me but I am having a hard time seeing what that could be. Please help mommy see the grace in God’s plan. I am having difficulty not being angry that you were taken. I do not want to be angry at God. I want to understand.

When you were born you were so beautiful. I am thankful for the time that we got to spend with you in the hospital. Mommy and daddy held you and cried for you. We wish that we would have been able to bring you home with us and raise you. But we had to let you go and we are struggling with that.

I wish I could go back in time and live my pregnancy over again. Just so that I could have more time with you, sweet angel. I wish I would have sang to you and read you stories. I wish I would have been able to save you. But I know that you are in a better place. You are with Jesus. I pray that Jesus is taking care of you, I know that He is. I know you are not alone in heaven, but I feel alone here on earth. I miss you so much baby girl…

Please forgive me for not being able to birth you alive into this world. I hope that some day I will be able to forgive myself.


I will love you forever.

Mommy

Moving and other fun.

We finally moved out of our house in Zimmerman this past weekend. It was stressful, sad, exciting, all in one. We had a lot of help from our family and friends which was so awesome! So THANK YOU to everyone who pitched in.

It was sadder then I thought leaving the house. It was the home we shared after getting married. Corey worked so hard making improvements. He built a fence in the back yard, built a bigger closet for me, we did landscaping (hand picking each rock), he laid a new floor upstairs and insulated and finished the garage. 

We started our family there. It is the house that held so many dreams for our daughter, Harper. I almost feel like I am leaving part of her behind. I carried her ashes on my lap to the new house. The Zimmerman house holds all the memories I have of her. I felt her presence there, so far I don't feel it here. I know she will always be with me, but I don't have her bedroom to sit in when I feel like I need a good cry. But I think that is a good thing, because I felt like I was betraying her by using her room for the new baby. I don't want her, or me really, to feel like this baby is a replacement.

So we have a new nursery in this house. My mother was kind enough to paint it for us before they moved. I choose a dark teal color, there is white wainscoting on the bottom. 

The rest of the house still needs to be painted or updated to our tastes but we are taking it project by project. The first thing we did (or should I say Corey did) is put up a chain-link fence in the back yard for our dogs. And that is probably as far as we will get for now. We've got a baby coming in 10 days so our time is going to be spent elsewhere.

They have scheduled me for induction on June 14th. Today is the 4th so it is coming fast! Faster then I thought. It still feels like yesterday I found out I was pregnant again, 3 months after Harper's death. I have one more doctors appointment scheduled this Friday for the weekly biophysical profile & non-stress test, they will also do a growth scan this time. I'm not sure if that is a good thing or not... if she measures big it might scare me even more for the delivery. Harper was only 6lbs 13oz and that was painful enough, even with an epidural. But I have 10 days to prepare myself physically and mentally to bring this baby into the world. (As I write that I feel like I should say "hopefully alive", I still have fear that we will lose this baby, I don't want to be too optimistic and then be blindsided by what can happen.)

So much to do, so little time. And I've had lots of offers for help but most of it is things I need to do myself. Like unpacking. I need to do most of that with Corey's help so that I can find where things are. The first night here, we couldn't find towels to take a shower or cell phone chargers. (Thanks for letting me know where the chargers were Goodin!) So, I'm mostly just complaining for the sake of complaining. ha!

The last thing I want to touch base on with this blog is a movie.

Still birth and infant loss is such a taboo subject, most people don't talk about it until it happens to them or someone they know. There is a movie being made called "Return To Zero" that is based on the true story of a couple just weeks away from the arrival of their first child when they are devastated with the news that their baby has died.  The movie is designed to break the silence that surrounds stillbirth and bring it to main stream media. The makers of this film are trying to get as many people as they can to sign this pledge to see the movie opening weekend. There is no obligation and no cost, if you change your mind after signing, that's ok. By pledging you are helping prove to Hollywood that there is interest in this film by a large audience. This film will not be shown in theaters unless we can prove there is a demand for it. So please take a minute to sign this pledge. For "your local leader", put my name. Help us break the silence.

-Sara

I survived... now just over 4 weeks to go!

I survived mother's day.

It actually seemed like it was more emotional for me in the days leading up to mother's day then the actual day itself. I'm sure all the hype on TV and in stores had something to do with it. Overall, I had a pretty low key day. Corey gave me a hanging flower basket and a blue bird bath that I had commented on whilst shopping for gifts for our own moms. I did my best to keep my mind off of the fact that I was celebrating my first mother's day with my baby in heaven and not in my arms. We brought a plant for my mom and had dinner with my family (we also brought a load from the house) and we stopped at Corey's parents to drop off a plant and say hello. 

I also received quite a few messages from friends wishing me a good day which was very thoughtful. It was nice to be remembered by others.

Last Friday I had my weekly prenatal appointment, which consists of a biophysical profile, and this week a growth scan, a non-stress test and then a visit with the doctor. I passed my biophysical profile with 8 out of 8, so good news there. The non-stress test went good, Corey is jealous because I get to recline in a lazy boy and he has to sit on an uncomfortable chair and he lets me hear about it the entire time. The doctor visit was good but uncomfortable, I don't always get to see my regular doctor, I see whoever is available that day and last Friday it was the NP I had during my pregnancy with Harper. I like her a lot but decided to switch doctors this time around so it's always a little awkward when I see her. She did nothing wrong last time it was just a personal choice to switch.

But during the growth scan, this baby is already weighing approximately 5lbs 1oz. The ultrasound technician said average for 32 weeks is 3.5 - 4lbs. No wonder I feel like I'm huge already. Harper was 6lbs 13oz when she was born at 38 weeks so this baby is not far behind. It makes me a little more comfortable that they are going to induce me around 37 weeks because I can't imagine how big she could be if we went the full 40 weeks. 

I am also getting more and more nervous the farther along I get in this pregnancy. Harper's death was caused by what's called a fetal-maternal hemorrhage, which basically means that she bled out through the placenta somehow and died of anemia. Unfortunately in 80% of these cases there is never a concrete obvious reason this has occurred. The rest of the time it is due to an abruption, an amniocentesis or some trauma to the abdomen. None of those reasons applied to us. We don't know if it could have been prevented or if it will happen again. And that is part of the reason they are going to induce me around 37 weeks.

So now I worry. I worry that the same thing will happen. I wake up in the morning frozen, waiting for her first bump in my belly. Throughout the day I make little mental notes of all the times she has moved and if I'm busy and forget to pay attention I stop dead in my tracks until she does something. It is a good thing she is as active as she is otherwise I would probably lose my mind and she would come out all bruised up because I would be poking her awake all the time.

In just over four weeks I will be able to hold this baby alive in my arms, hopefully. If everything goes as planned. As long as my plan and God's plans are similar...

"The heart of man plans his way, but the Lord establishes his steps." Proverbs 16:9



Mother's Day

This will be my first mother's day since Harper was stillborn. Even though I am expecting our rainbow baby it is a very emotional time for me.

I was supposed to be a mother. I was supposed to be able to celebrate my first "official" mother's day, holding a 10 month old baby in my arms. Instead my arms are empty, my heart is broken. The only thing I can hold in my arms is an urn. On mother's day this year if I receive recognition at all it will be sympathy. Sympathy that I am mother to an angel instead of a living baby. On one hand I want to scream out to the world not to forget about me... I am a mother too! On the other hand I want to crawl into a dark hole and hide so no one has to feel sorry for me.

My own mother asked me the other day, not thinking I'm sure, what we wanted to do for mother's day this year. It was the first time that I verbalized how upsetting the holiday was for me. I'm not sure I want to do anything this year. Yes, I want to recognize my own mother for mother's day but I do not feel the desire to celebrate the day. I am bitter. I am angry. I am jealous of my friends who get to celebrate with their babies*. I want to celebrate with my baby... but I can't. It's not fair. Life is never fair I know... but I still wonder what I did so wrong in my life that God decided to punish me for. (And I know that is not the way God works, but I can't help the way I feel sometimes.)

They say that I am still a mother. I don't feel like it. My daughter never took a breath of air, she doesn't have a birth certificate or a death certificate. She only lived for 38 weeks inside of me. The only way I really feel like a mother is because Harper's sister is still alive, kicking inside of me as I write this. But if I didn't have this ginormous belly the outside world would be oblivious that I have another daughter.

I am still asked daily, "Is this your first?" I hate that question. How do you answer that? I could say, "no, this is my second" but then I'm sure it would be followed with, "How old is your first?" or "Is your first a boy or a girl?" How do you answer either of those questions...? Recently, I did tell a stranger at work that this was my second pregnancy and she then asked if our first was a boy or girl and I answered girl and then she proceeded to say how fun that will be to have sisters. I didn't say anything. At that point how do you tell someone that it won't be fun for her to have a sister because her sister is dead.

I'm sorry, Harper, that I could not be a mother to you. You have no idea how badly I wanted to be. I would have been a great mom. I miss you more then words can say.

So that is how I am feeling this mother's day. I am not looking for sympathy, just venting. If you took the time to read this I appreciate it.

-Sara

*I would like to add that I am truly happy for all my friends with children this mother's day and I wish them a great day. You are very lucky.