Unexpected Grief

When I gave birth to Stella I imagined that I'd be crying with joy and relief that she was finally here. And I was happy, over the moon happy, but I didn't cry. I was more in shock, I think, that I had actually done it. I had carried a baby for 37 weeks in my womb and successfully delivered her alive.

Love was instant. She is the love of my life. Any mother will tell you that the love you feel for your child is indescribable, words cannot express it fully.

I expected the love. What I did not expect was the grief. I did not expect the sadness.

And I'm not talking about baby blues. Fortunately, I do not think that I have been effected by the baby blues. What has happened is my grief for losing Harper has returned. And it has worsened.

At night while I am nursing Stella in her dark room I think about Harper. I get saddened watching my little love so contently at my breast. My heart is filled with love and also grief. I find myself crying, intensely, when I think about the things I do with Stella that I never got to do with Harper.  It is a strange thing to feel so much happiness and sadness at the same time. The more love I feel for Stella, the more sadness I feel for Harper.

And I feel guilty.

Guilty for being so happy. It's not fair to Harper. It's not fair Harper never had a chance to have daddy read her stories at bedtime. It's not fair she didn't get to cuddle in bed with mommy after daddy had gone to work. She didn't even get a chance to meet us outside of my womb.

But it's not fair to Stella either. It's not fair to her that the joy she brings me also makes me sad. It's not fair to her that I long to hold her sister in my arms...

My Dear Sweet Harper

theseashoreofremembrance.blogspot.com.au/

August 28^th, 2012

My Dear Sweet Harper,

I remember the day I found out that I was pregnant… I had barely convinced your father that we should start trying for a baby. He was hesitant but decided that it was okay. I had told him that it might take a long time for us to conceive, turns out it only took us two months for you to come into our lives.

When I took the test and saw two blue lines I was happy but scared. An overwhelm of emotions came through me. I told your father and we began planning for your future.

The 38 weeks that I had with you were wonderful. To be honest being pregnant was not my favorite thing, I was very uncomfortable but happy to be growing you in my belly. We could not wait to meet you.

Unfortunately, God decided that He wanted you in heaven more then He needed you on earth. Why He made that decision I will never know or understand but I trust that whatever decision He makes is the right one.

I will cherish every kick I felt from you.

I hope you knew how much your mommy and daddy loved you. We still love you. We think about you everyday. You will always be our little girl. I know that you are watching us from heaven and that someday we will join you. But I miss you so much.

I wish I could have rocked you to sleep and sang you lullabies. I wish I could have calmed your cry and seen you smile. There were so many dreams I had for your future with us. We wanted you so badly. You are so loved.

Please help to give mommy the strength to survive. My heart is broken for you. You were taken too soon from my life. I know that God has a plan for me but I am having a hard time seeing what that could be. Please help mommy see the grace in God’s plan. I am having difficulty not being angry that you were taken. I do not want to be angry at God. I want to understand.

When you were born you were so beautiful. I am thankful for the time that we got to spend with you in the hospital. Mommy and daddy held you and cried for you. We wish that we would have been able to bring you home with us and raise you. But we had to let you go and we are struggling with that.

I wish I could go back in time and live my pregnancy over again. Just so that I could have more time with you, sweet angel. I wish I would have sang to you and read you stories. I wish I would have been able to save you. But I know that you are in a better place. You are with Jesus. I pray that Jesus is taking care of you, I know that He is. I know you are not alone in heaven, but I feel alone here on earth. I miss you so much baby girl…

Please forgive me for not being able to birth you alive into this world. I hope that some day I will be able to forgive myself.


I will love you forever.

Mommy

Mother's Day

This will be my first mother's day since Harper was stillborn. Even though I am expecting our rainbow baby it is a very emotional time for me.

I was supposed to be a mother. I was supposed to be able to celebrate my first "official" mother's day, holding a 10 month old baby in my arms. Instead my arms are empty, my heart is broken. The only thing I can hold in my arms is an urn. On mother's day this year if I receive recognition at all it will be sympathy. Sympathy that I am mother to an angel instead of a living baby. On one hand I want to scream out to the world not to forget about me... I am a mother too! On the other hand I want to crawl into a dark hole and hide so no one has to feel sorry for me.

My own mother asked me the other day, not thinking I'm sure, what we wanted to do for mother's day this year. It was the first time that I verbalized how upsetting the holiday was for me. I'm not sure I want to do anything this year. Yes, I want to recognize my own mother for mother's day but I do not feel the desire to celebrate the day. I am bitter. I am angry. I am jealous of my friends who get to celebrate with their babies*. I want to celebrate with my baby... but I can't. It's not fair. Life is never fair I know... but I still wonder what I did so wrong in my life that God decided to punish me for. (And I know that is not the way God works, but I can't help the way I feel sometimes.)

They say that I am still a mother. I don't feel like it. My daughter never took a breath of air, she doesn't have a birth certificate or a death certificate. She only lived for 38 weeks inside of me. The only way I really feel like a mother is because Harper's sister is still alive, kicking inside of me as I write this. But if I didn't have this ginormous belly the outside world would be oblivious that I have another daughter.

I am still asked daily, "Is this your first?" I hate that question. How do you answer that? I could say, "no, this is my second" but then I'm sure it would be followed with, "How old is your first?" or "Is your first a boy or a girl?" How do you answer either of those questions...? Recently, I did tell a stranger at work that this was my second pregnancy and she then asked if our first was a boy or girl and I answered girl and then she proceeded to say how fun that will be to have sisters. I didn't say anything. At that point how do you tell someone that it won't be fun for her to have a sister because her sister is dead.

I'm sorry, Harper, that I could not be a mother to you. You have no idea how badly I wanted to be. I would have been a great mom. I miss you more then words can say.

So that is how I am feeling this mother's day. I am not looking for sympathy, just venting. If you took the time to read this I appreciate it.

-Sara

*I would like to add that I am truly happy for all my friends with children this mother's day and I wish them a great day. You are very lucky.