Mother's Day

This will be my first mother's day since Harper was stillborn. Even though I am expecting our rainbow baby it is a very emotional time for me.

I was supposed to be a mother. I was supposed to be able to celebrate my first "official" mother's day, holding a 10 month old baby in my arms. Instead my arms are empty, my heart is broken. The only thing I can hold in my arms is an urn. On mother's day this year if I receive recognition at all it will be sympathy. Sympathy that I am mother to an angel instead of a living baby. On one hand I want to scream out to the world not to forget about me... I am a mother too! On the other hand I want to crawl into a dark hole and hide so no one has to feel sorry for me.

My own mother asked me the other day, not thinking I'm sure, what we wanted to do for mother's day this year. It was the first time that I verbalized how upsetting the holiday was for me. I'm not sure I want to do anything this year. Yes, I want to recognize my own mother for mother's day but I do not feel the desire to celebrate the day. I am bitter. I am angry. I am jealous of my friends who get to celebrate with their babies*. I want to celebrate with my baby... but I can't. It's not fair. Life is never fair I know... but I still wonder what I did so wrong in my life that God decided to punish me for. (And I know that is not the way God works, but I can't help the way I feel sometimes.)

They say that I am still a mother. I don't feel like it. My daughter never took a breath of air, she doesn't have a birth certificate or a death certificate. She only lived for 38 weeks inside of me. The only way I really feel like a mother is because Harper's sister is still alive, kicking inside of me as I write this. But if I didn't have this ginormous belly the outside world would be oblivious that I have another daughter.

I am still asked daily, "Is this your first?" I hate that question. How do you answer that? I could say, "no, this is my second" but then I'm sure it would be followed with, "How old is your first?" or "Is your first a boy or a girl?" How do you answer either of those questions...? Recently, I did tell a stranger at work that this was my second pregnancy and she then asked if our first was a boy or girl and I answered girl and then she proceeded to say how fun that will be to have sisters. I didn't say anything. At that point how do you tell someone that it won't be fun for her to have a sister because her sister is dead.

I'm sorry, Harper, that I could not be a mother to you. You have no idea how badly I wanted to be. I would have been a great mom. I miss you more then words can say.

So that is how I am feeling this mother's day. I am not looking for sympathy, just venting. If you took the time to read this I appreciate it.

-Sara

*I would like to add that I am truly happy for all my friends with children this mother's day and I wish them a great day. You are very lucky.