Cloth Diapers?

When I was pregnant the first time I considered using cloth diapers but I really didn't know where to begin. My mom used cloth diapers on my brother and I but they have changed SO much in the last 30 years and there are so many different styles and brands. There are flats, prefolds (which I'm not even sure of the difference between these two), fitted, all-in-ones, all-in-twos, pockets, hybrids, covers... what?!?

I was planning on going back to work after baby #1 so the idea came and went and I resigned to the idea of using disposables. 

When we became pregnant the second time I again considered using cloth. But was discouraged yet again with all the different types out there. 

Then the thought of ALL THE LAUNDRY... I hate laundry. I've been known to wait until we are out of clean socks and undies before I wash, and I'll be honest, in college I did the whole inside out trick. So the idea of having to wash diapers consistently was terrifying. 

So the baby came and I used disposable. My dream of using cloth diapers fading. I pictured stay at home moms in dresses with a house that was spotless and dinner always done and waiting when dad got home. Perfect little babies and cloth diapers galore. Ha! I knew my house would never be like that. 

But one day as I was surfing Facebook, I noticed that my friend, Melissa, had posted on her blog Just Me and the Boys, about cloth diapers so I contacted her and she offered to show me what these things were all about. I was at her house for a couple of hours and she taught me so much. I never would have had the guts to start using cloth if it weren't for her! 

I got home from her house and placed my first "fluff" order and I've been addicted ever since! I use mostly pocket diapers, covers with inserts or prefolds. It all depends on my mood and the day. My husband prefers the pockets because they are easiest. 

My stash. From left to right; pockets, covers, inserts & prefolds.

Pocket diapers are a water proof cover that have an opening, or "pocket", where the insert is stuffed. It is very similar to a disposable once they are stuffed. Just put on baby and take off. The brand that I use has an opening on each end therefore you don't have to unstuff before washing, the machine agitated the insert out on it's own. That was a main selling point for me. The less pee and poo I have to touch the better. 

Covers are a waterproof shell that you lay an insert or prefold (or fitted) into. The nice part about covers is that you can reuse the cover multiple times until it is soiled. When changing baby just wipe clean the cover and replace the insert or prefold.  

Cloth diapers are so easy, and I actually enjoy doing diaper laundry. Weird, I know. If baby is exclusively breastfed you don't even have to spray off the poo because it's water soluble, just throw the whole thing in the washing machine. Once baby is introduced to solids you do have to spray off the poo and that is not fun but they make Bio Liners that are flush-able. Or they make sprayers that attach to the toilet water line. Right now I use liners but Stella is a very constipated baby so her poops are plop-able at the moment. The amount of pee or poo you touch with cloth is really no different than with disposable diapers. 

Don't get me wrong there have been times that Stella has used disposable diapers and I have thought to myself, "this is so easy, just take it off and through it away!" And I have had some struggles with finding the right detergent and washing routine but I really do like the cost savings and the benefits for Stella and the environment. It makes it all worth it. 

So, that is my cloth diaper journey. Hope you enjoyed my story! Be sure to check out Just Me and the Boys if you are thinking about using cloth, she has a bunch of different diaper reviews and tips that can help you get started. Plus, she just has an interesting blog with giveaways, product reviews and recipes. 

And here is a cute picture of Stella in one of her diapers. Had to include one of those!!! 

Unexpected Grief

When I gave birth to Stella I imagined that I'd be crying with joy and relief that she was finally here. And I was happy, over the moon happy, but I didn't cry. I was more in shock, I think, that I had actually done it. I had carried a baby for 37 weeks in my womb and successfully delivered her alive.

Love was instant. She is the love of my life. Any mother will tell you that the love you feel for your child is indescribable, words cannot express it fully.

I expected the love. What I did not expect was the grief. I did not expect the sadness.

And I'm not talking about baby blues. Fortunately, I do not think that I have been effected by the baby blues. What has happened is my grief for losing Harper has returned. And it has worsened.

At night while I am nursing Stella in her dark room I think about Harper. I get saddened watching my little love so contently at my breast. My heart is filled with love and also grief. I find myself crying, intensely, when I think about the things I do with Stella that I never got to do with Harper.  It is a strange thing to feel so much happiness and sadness at the same time. The more love I feel for Stella, the more sadness I feel for Harper.

And I feel guilty.

Guilty for being so happy. It's not fair to Harper. It's not fair Harper never had a chance to have daddy read her stories at bedtime. It's not fair she didn't get to cuddle in bed with mommy after daddy had gone to work. She didn't even get a chance to meet us outside of my womb.

But it's not fair to Stella either. It's not fair to her that the joy she brings me also makes me sad. It's not fair to her that I long to hold her sister in my arms...

Moving and other fun.

We finally moved out of our house in Zimmerman this past weekend. It was stressful, sad, exciting, all in one. We had a lot of help from our family and friends which was so awesome! So THANK YOU to everyone who pitched in.

It was sadder then I thought leaving the house. It was the home we shared after getting married. Corey worked so hard making improvements. He built a fence in the back yard, built a bigger closet for me, we did landscaping (hand picking each rock), he laid a new floor upstairs and insulated and finished the garage. 

We started our family there. It is the house that held so many dreams for our daughter, Harper. I almost feel like I am leaving part of her behind. I carried her ashes on my lap to the new house. The Zimmerman house holds all the memories I have of her. I felt her presence there, so far I don't feel it here. I know she will always be with me, but I don't have her bedroom to sit in when I feel like I need a good cry. But I think that is a good thing, because I felt like I was betraying her by using her room for the new baby. I don't want her, or me really, to feel like this baby is a replacement.

So we have a new nursery in this house. My mother was kind enough to paint it for us before they moved. I choose a dark teal color, there is white wainscoting on the bottom. 

The rest of the house still needs to be painted or updated to our tastes but we are taking it project by project. The first thing we did (or should I say Corey did) is put up a chain-link fence in the back yard for our dogs. And that is probably as far as we will get for now. We've got a baby coming in 10 days so our time is going to be spent elsewhere.

They have scheduled me for induction on June 14th. Today is the 4th so it is coming fast! Faster then I thought. It still feels like yesterday I found out I was pregnant again, 3 months after Harper's death. I have one more doctors appointment scheduled this Friday for the weekly biophysical profile & non-stress test, they will also do a growth scan this time. I'm not sure if that is a good thing or not... if she measures big it might scare me even more for the delivery. Harper was only 6lbs 13oz and that was painful enough, even with an epidural. But I have 10 days to prepare myself physically and mentally to bring this baby into the world. (As I write that I feel like I should say "hopefully alive", I still have fear that we will lose this baby, I don't want to be too optimistic and then be blindsided by what can happen.)

So much to do, so little time. And I've had lots of offers for help but most of it is things I need to do myself. Like unpacking. I need to do most of that with Corey's help so that I can find where things are. The first night here, we couldn't find towels to take a shower or cell phone chargers. (Thanks for letting me know where the chargers were Goodin!) So, I'm mostly just complaining for the sake of complaining. ha!

The last thing I want to touch base on with this blog is a movie.

Still birth and infant loss is such a taboo subject, most people don't talk about it until it happens to them or someone they know. There is a movie being made called "Return To Zero" that is based on the true story of a couple just weeks away from the arrival of their first child when they are devastated with the news that their baby has died.  The movie is designed to break the silence that surrounds stillbirth and bring it to main stream media. The makers of this film are trying to get as many people as they can to sign this pledge to see the movie opening weekend. There is no obligation and no cost, if you change your mind after signing, that's ok. By pledging you are helping prove to Hollywood that there is interest in this film by a large audience. This film will not be shown in theaters unless we can prove there is a demand for it. So please take a minute to sign this pledge. For "your local leader", put my name. Help us break the silence.

-Sara

I survived... now just over 4 weeks to go!

I survived mother's day.

It actually seemed like it was more emotional for me in the days leading up to mother's day then the actual day itself. I'm sure all the hype on TV and in stores had something to do with it. Overall, I had a pretty low key day. Corey gave me a hanging flower basket and a blue bird bath that I had commented on whilst shopping for gifts for our own moms. I did my best to keep my mind off of the fact that I was celebrating my first mother's day with my baby in heaven and not in my arms. We brought a plant for my mom and had dinner with my family (we also brought a load from the house) and we stopped at Corey's parents to drop off a plant and say hello. 

I also received quite a few messages from friends wishing me a good day which was very thoughtful. It was nice to be remembered by others.

Last Friday I had my weekly prenatal appointment, which consists of a biophysical profile, and this week a growth scan, a non-stress test and then a visit with the doctor. I passed my biophysical profile with 8 out of 8, so good news there. The non-stress test went good, Corey is jealous because I get to recline in a lazy boy and he has to sit on an uncomfortable chair and he lets me hear about it the entire time. The doctor visit was good but uncomfortable, I don't always get to see my regular doctor, I see whoever is available that day and last Friday it was the NP I had during my pregnancy with Harper. I like her a lot but decided to switch doctors this time around so it's always a little awkward when I see her. She did nothing wrong last time it was just a personal choice to switch.

But during the growth scan, this baby is already weighing approximately 5lbs 1oz. The ultrasound technician said average for 32 weeks is 3.5 - 4lbs. No wonder I feel like I'm huge already. Harper was 6lbs 13oz when she was born at 38 weeks so this baby is not far behind. It makes me a little more comfortable that they are going to induce me around 37 weeks because I can't imagine how big she could be if we went the full 40 weeks. 

I am also getting more and more nervous the farther along I get in this pregnancy. Harper's death was caused by what's called a fetal-maternal hemorrhage, which basically means that she bled out through the placenta somehow and died of anemia. Unfortunately in 80% of these cases there is never a concrete obvious reason this has occurred. The rest of the time it is due to an abruption, an amniocentesis or some trauma to the abdomen. None of those reasons applied to us. We don't know if it could have been prevented or if it will happen again. And that is part of the reason they are going to induce me around 37 weeks.

So now I worry. I worry that the same thing will happen. I wake up in the morning frozen, waiting for her first bump in my belly. Throughout the day I make little mental notes of all the times she has moved and if I'm busy and forget to pay attention I stop dead in my tracks until she does something. It is a good thing she is as active as she is otherwise I would probably lose my mind and she would come out all bruised up because I would be poking her awake all the time.

In just over four weeks I will be able to hold this baby alive in my arms, hopefully. If everything goes as planned. As long as my plan and God's plans are similar...

"The heart of man plans his way, but the Lord establishes his steps." Proverbs 16:9



Mother's Day

This will be my first mother's day since Harper was stillborn. Even though I am expecting our rainbow baby it is a very emotional time for me.

I was supposed to be a mother. I was supposed to be able to celebrate my first "official" mother's day, holding a 10 month old baby in my arms. Instead my arms are empty, my heart is broken. The only thing I can hold in my arms is an urn. On mother's day this year if I receive recognition at all it will be sympathy. Sympathy that I am mother to an angel instead of a living baby. On one hand I want to scream out to the world not to forget about me... I am a mother too! On the other hand I want to crawl into a dark hole and hide so no one has to feel sorry for me.

My own mother asked me the other day, not thinking I'm sure, what we wanted to do for mother's day this year. It was the first time that I verbalized how upsetting the holiday was for me. I'm not sure I want to do anything this year. Yes, I want to recognize my own mother for mother's day but I do not feel the desire to celebrate the day. I am bitter. I am angry. I am jealous of my friends who get to celebrate with their babies*. I want to celebrate with my baby... but I can't. It's not fair. Life is never fair I know... but I still wonder what I did so wrong in my life that God decided to punish me for. (And I know that is not the way God works, but I can't help the way I feel sometimes.)

They say that I am still a mother. I don't feel like it. My daughter never took a breath of air, she doesn't have a birth certificate or a death certificate. She only lived for 38 weeks inside of me. The only way I really feel like a mother is because Harper's sister is still alive, kicking inside of me as I write this. But if I didn't have this ginormous belly the outside world would be oblivious that I have another daughter.

I am still asked daily, "Is this your first?" I hate that question. How do you answer that? I could say, "no, this is my second" but then I'm sure it would be followed with, "How old is your first?" or "Is your first a boy or a girl?" How do you answer either of those questions...? Recently, I did tell a stranger at work that this was my second pregnancy and she then asked if our first was a boy or girl and I answered girl and then she proceeded to say how fun that will be to have sisters. I didn't say anything. At that point how do you tell someone that it won't be fun for her to have a sister because her sister is dead.

I'm sorry, Harper, that I could not be a mother to you. You have no idea how badly I wanted to be. I would have been a great mom. I miss you more then words can say.

So that is how I am feeling this mother's day. I am not looking for sympathy, just venting. If you took the time to read this I appreciate it.

-Sara

*I would like to add that I am truly happy for all my friends with children this mother's day and I wish them a great day. You are very lucky.