Unexpected Grief

When I gave birth to Stella I imagined that I'd be crying with joy and relief that she was finally here. And I was happy, over the moon happy, but I didn't cry. I was more in shock, I think, that I had actually done it. I had carried a baby for 37 weeks in my womb and successfully delivered her alive.

Love was instant. She is the love of my life. Any mother will tell you that the love you feel for your child is indescribable, words cannot express it fully.

I expected the love. What I did not expect was the grief. I did not expect the sadness.

And I'm not talking about baby blues. Fortunately, I do not think that I have been effected by the baby blues. What has happened is my grief for losing Harper has returned. And it has worsened.

At night while I am nursing Stella in her dark room I think about Harper. I get saddened watching my little love so contently at my breast. My heart is filled with love and also grief. I find myself crying, intensely, when I think about the things I do with Stella that I never got to do with Harper.  It is a strange thing to feel so much happiness and sadness at the same time. The more love I feel for Stella, the more sadness I feel for Harper.

And I feel guilty.

Guilty for being so happy. It's not fair to Harper. It's not fair Harper never had a chance to have daddy read her stories at bedtime. It's not fair she didn't get to cuddle in bed with mommy after daddy had gone to work. She didn't even get a chance to meet us outside of my womb.

But it's not fair to Stella either. It's not fair to her that the joy she brings me also makes me sad. It's not fair to her that I long to hold her sister in my arms...

Moving and other fun.

We finally moved out of our house in Zimmerman this past weekend. It was stressful, sad, exciting, all in one. We had a lot of help from our family and friends which was so awesome! So THANK YOU to everyone who pitched in.

It was sadder then I thought leaving the house. It was the home we shared after getting married. Corey worked so hard making improvements. He built a fence in the back yard, built a bigger closet for me, we did landscaping (hand picking each rock), he laid a new floor upstairs and insulated and finished the garage. 

We started our family there. It is the house that held so many dreams for our daughter, Harper. I almost feel like I am leaving part of her behind. I carried her ashes on my lap to the new house. The Zimmerman house holds all the memories I have of her. I felt her presence there, so far I don't feel it here. I know she will always be with me, but I don't have her bedroom to sit in when I feel like I need a good cry. But I think that is a good thing, because I felt like I was betraying her by using her room for the new baby. I don't want her, or me really, to feel like this baby is a replacement.

So we have a new nursery in this house. My mother was kind enough to paint it for us before they moved. I choose a dark teal color, there is white wainscoting on the bottom. 

The rest of the house still needs to be painted or updated to our tastes but we are taking it project by project. The first thing we did (or should I say Corey did) is put up a chain-link fence in the back yard for our dogs. And that is probably as far as we will get for now. We've got a baby coming in 10 days so our time is going to be spent elsewhere.

They have scheduled me for induction on June 14th. Today is the 4th so it is coming fast! Faster then I thought. It still feels like yesterday I found out I was pregnant again, 3 months after Harper's death. I have one more doctors appointment scheduled this Friday for the weekly biophysical profile & non-stress test, they will also do a growth scan this time. I'm not sure if that is a good thing or not... if she measures big it might scare me even more for the delivery. Harper was only 6lbs 13oz and that was painful enough, even with an epidural. But I have 10 days to prepare myself physically and mentally to bring this baby into the world. (As I write that I feel like I should say "hopefully alive", I still have fear that we will lose this baby, I don't want to be too optimistic and then be blindsided by what can happen.)

So much to do, so little time. And I've had lots of offers for help but most of it is things I need to do myself. Like unpacking. I need to do most of that with Corey's help so that I can find where things are. The first night here, we couldn't find towels to take a shower or cell phone chargers. (Thanks for letting me know where the chargers were Goodin!) So, I'm mostly just complaining for the sake of complaining. ha!

The last thing I want to touch base on with this blog is a movie.

Still birth and infant loss is such a taboo subject, most people don't talk about it until it happens to them or someone they know. There is a movie being made called "Return To Zero" that is based on the true story of a couple just weeks away from the arrival of their first child when they are devastated with the news that their baby has died.  The movie is designed to break the silence that surrounds stillbirth and bring it to main stream media. The makers of this film are trying to get as many people as they can to sign this pledge to see the movie opening weekend. There is no obligation and no cost, if you change your mind after signing, that's ok. By pledging you are helping prove to Hollywood that there is interest in this film by a large audience. This film will not be shown in theaters unless we can prove there is a demand for it. So please take a minute to sign this pledge. For "your local leader", put my name. Help us break the silence.

-Sara

I survived... now just over 4 weeks to go!

I survived mother's day.

It actually seemed like it was more emotional for me in the days leading up to mother's day then the actual day itself. I'm sure all the hype on TV and in stores had something to do with it. Overall, I had a pretty low key day. Corey gave me a hanging flower basket and a blue bird bath that I had commented on whilst shopping for gifts for our own moms. I did my best to keep my mind off of the fact that I was celebrating my first mother's day with my baby in heaven and not in my arms. We brought a plant for my mom and had dinner with my family (we also brought a load from the house) and we stopped at Corey's parents to drop off a plant and say hello. 

I also received quite a few messages from friends wishing me a good day which was very thoughtful. It was nice to be remembered by others.

Last Friday I had my weekly prenatal appointment, which consists of a biophysical profile, and this week a growth scan, a non-stress test and then a visit with the doctor. I passed my biophysical profile with 8 out of 8, so good news there. The non-stress test went good, Corey is jealous because I get to recline in a lazy boy and he has to sit on an uncomfortable chair and he lets me hear about it the entire time. The doctor visit was good but uncomfortable, I don't always get to see my regular doctor, I see whoever is available that day and last Friday it was the NP I had during my pregnancy with Harper. I like her a lot but decided to switch doctors this time around so it's always a little awkward when I see her. She did nothing wrong last time it was just a personal choice to switch.

But during the growth scan, this baby is already weighing approximately 5lbs 1oz. The ultrasound technician said average for 32 weeks is 3.5 - 4lbs. No wonder I feel like I'm huge already. Harper was 6lbs 13oz when she was born at 38 weeks so this baby is not far behind. It makes me a little more comfortable that they are going to induce me around 37 weeks because I can't imagine how big she could be if we went the full 40 weeks. 

I am also getting more and more nervous the farther along I get in this pregnancy. Harper's death was caused by what's called a fetal-maternal hemorrhage, which basically means that she bled out through the placenta somehow and died of anemia. Unfortunately in 80% of these cases there is never a concrete obvious reason this has occurred. The rest of the time it is due to an abruption, an amniocentesis or some trauma to the abdomen. None of those reasons applied to us. We don't know if it could have been prevented or if it will happen again. And that is part of the reason they are going to induce me around 37 weeks.

So now I worry. I worry that the same thing will happen. I wake up in the morning frozen, waiting for her first bump in my belly. Throughout the day I make little mental notes of all the times she has moved and if I'm busy and forget to pay attention I stop dead in my tracks until she does something. It is a good thing she is as active as she is otherwise I would probably lose my mind and she would come out all bruised up because I would be poking her awake all the time.

In just over four weeks I will be able to hold this baby alive in my arms, hopefully. If everything goes as planned. As long as my plan and God's plans are similar...

"The heart of man plans his way, but the Lord establishes his steps." Proverbs 16:9