I survived... now just over 4 weeks to go!

I survived mother's day.

It actually seemed like it was more emotional for me in the days leading up to mother's day then the actual day itself. I'm sure all the hype on TV and in stores had something to do with it. Overall, I had a pretty low key day. Corey gave me a hanging flower basket and a blue bird bath that I had commented on whilst shopping for gifts for our own moms. I did my best to keep my mind off of the fact that I was celebrating my first mother's day with my baby in heaven and not in my arms. We brought a plant for my mom and had dinner with my family (we also brought a load from the house) and we stopped at Corey's parents to drop off a plant and say hello. 

I also received quite a few messages from friends wishing me a good day which was very thoughtful. It was nice to be remembered by others.

Last Friday I had my weekly prenatal appointment, which consists of a biophysical profile, and this week a growth scan, a non-stress test and then a visit with the doctor. I passed my biophysical profile with 8 out of 8, so good news there. The non-stress test went good, Corey is jealous because I get to recline in a lazy boy and he has to sit on an uncomfortable chair and he lets me hear about it the entire time. The doctor visit was good but uncomfortable, I don't always get to see my regular doctor, I see whoever is available that day and last Friday it was the NP I had during my pregnancy with Harper. I like her a lot but decided to switch doctors this time around so it's always a little awkward when I see her. She did nothing wrong last time it was just a personal choice to switch.

But during the growth scan, this baby is already weighing approximately 5lbs 1oz. The ultrasound technician said average for 32 weeks is 3.5 - 4lbs. No wonder I feel like I'm huge already. Harper was 6lbs 13oz when she was born at 38 weeks so this baby is not far behind. It makes me a little more comfortable that they are going to induce me around 37 weeks because I can't imagine how big she could be if we went the full 40 weeks. 

I am also getting more and more nervous the farther along I get in this pregnancy. Harper's death was caused by what's called a fetal-maternal hemorrhage, which basically means that she bled out through the placenta somehow and died of anemia. Unfortunately in 80% of these cases there is never a concrete obvious reason this has occurred. The rest of the time it is due to an abruption, an amniocentesis or some trauma to the abdomen. None of those reasons applied to us. We don't know if it could have been prevented or if it will happen again. And that is part of the reason they are going to induce me around 37 weeks.

So now I worry. I worry that the same thing will happen. I wake up in the morning frozen, waiting for her first bump in my belly. Throughout the day I make little mental notes of all the times she has moved and if I'm busy and forget to pay attention I stop dead in my tracks until she does something. It is a good thing she is as active as she is otherwise I would probably lose my mind and she would come out all bruised up because I would be poking her awake all the time.

In just over four weeks I will be able to hold this baby alive in my arms, hopefully. If everything goes as planned. As long as my plan and God's plans are similar...

"The heart of man plans his way, but the Lord establishes his steps." Proverbs 16:9



Mother's Day

This will be my first mother's day since Harper was stillborn. Even though I am expecting our rainbow baby it is a very emotional time for me.

I was supposed to be a mother. I was supposed to be able to celebrate my first "official" mother's day, holding a 10 month old baby in my arms. Instead my arms are empty, my heart is broken. The only thing I can hold in my arms is an urn. On mother's day this year if I receive recognition at all it will be sympathy. Sympathy that I am mother to an angel instead of a living baby. On one hand I want to scream out to the world not to forget about me... I am a mother too! On the other hand I want to crawl into a dark hole and hide so no one has to feel sorry for me.

My own mother asked me the other day, not thinking I'm sure, what we wanted to do for mother's day this year. It was the first time that I verbalized how upsetting the holiday was for me. I'm not sure I want to do anything this year. Yes, I want to recognize my own mother for mother's day but I do not feel the desire to celebrate the day. I am bitter. I am angry. I am jealous of my friends who get to celebrate with their babies*. I want to celebrate with my baby... but I can't. It's not fair. Life is never fair I know... but I still wonder what I did so wrong in my life that God decided to punish me for. (And I know that is not the way God works, but I can't help the way I feel sometimes.)

They say that I am still a mother. I don't feel like it. My daughter never took a breath of air, she doesn't have a birth certificate or a death certificate. She only lived for 38 weeks inside of me. The only way I really feel like a mother is because Harper's sister is still alive, kicking inside of me as I write this. But if I didn't have this ginormous belly the outside world would be oblivious that I have another daughter.

I am still asked daily, "Is this your first?" I hate that question. How do you answer that? I could say, "no, this is my second" but then I'm sure it would be followed with, "How old is your first?" or "Is your first a boy or a girl?" How do you answer either of those questions...? Recently, I did tell a stranger at work that this was my second pregnancy and she then asked if our first was a boy or girl and I answered girl and then she proceeded to say how fun that will be to have sisters. I didn't say anything. At that point how do you tell someone that it won't be fun for her to have a sister because her sister is dead.

I'm sorry, Harper, that I could not be a mother to you. You have no idea how badly I wanted to be. I would have been a great mom. I miss you more then words can say.

So that is how I am feeling this mother's day. I am not looking for sympathy, just venting. If you took the time to read this I appreciate it.

-Sara

*I would like to add that I am truly happy for all my friends with children this mother's day and I wish them a great day. You are very lucky.